Snap cut To:
I skipped over the finish of that last big ordeal. I wrote it. It’s permanent…… This is my stream of consciousness project, and maybe I realized I am allowed to keep some (like 2) of my thoughts to myself and those concerned only. So.. Tick Tock goes the clock and There we were. First Race over 5k in 5 years. Why in the heck did I decide Lakeland was a good place to go celebrate my birthday? One will never know, other than I enjoy itching at my own PTSD for a thrill, clearly.
I know for sure my mind is still a cracked egg fried in the Ultra running grease, because somewhere in the last 3 weeks I have managed to convince myself that taking nearly 2 hours off my 20miles is somehow a failure, and not indicative that I am in the best shape of my life. I did find that being conscious with those miles and mostly in my own head on through all of them was also maybe one of my more misguided ideas. I’m a musician with golden ears I know better. Seriously, Imagine Amadeus happy as a saxophone player.
So…Let the distant Wilhem screams begin- Here’s the race report NOBODY cares about.
When things are going right it’s hard to remember they are most definitely going to start going wrong. I was so absolutely in my own world the first 15 miles I was not even thinking, then in an instant? Time dilated. Everything started going off the rails in ways I have not quite experienced without some sort of chemical additions, cortisol and adrenaline in the mix always. One little thought early in the race about my time spent at summer band camp at Florida Southern College (Coincidentally, I was running past it over….and over…and over..) about my first cycle starting at the pool (white pale blue Roxy bikini…YIKES…Nobody told ME) and all of the sudden every trauma I had ever experienced started in with their share in the conversation. Every bad thing. Every intrusive thought and crap memory. I kept on. I pushed off the thoughts but it was already doing something to my nervous system. I gasped for air for what was a few miles. Then.
Cue the distant screaming. Yes folks somewhere around mile 18 my head caved in. My Doctor assures me I was depleted, and experiencing panic. Ok sure, and also assures me it has more to do with my brains pitch analysis and melodic recall than anything, and of course I have experienced much weirder auditory hallucinations from working on music, or in clubs, and such.
But nothing like hearing screaming in your head until you just give in and go home (and then remain in hysterics for several hours after because you know, you could have probably just chilled for a bit and eaten a sandwich?) What I am saying is there is somehow nothing wrong with me despite the actual insanity observed in this first test drive back. Dental Surgery without Novocaine may not be advised….. Since I have been determined to more fully experience my own life this is the medicine I get to take first- I have absolutely already survived so many things that moving forward I have no choice but to face them head on this time and see what sort of dragons I am dealing with.
If this was a “Test Drive,” Then I’m a test dummy who hucked herself at the wall. Turns out I can still bounce with enough momentum.
Man….. it’s so great I haven’t been to Jacksonville yet.
