I’m always around.
When I’m needed.
Wanted.
Loved.
And when I’m not…..
I’m still here.
Because one day,
I’ll be here. There. Around when I’m truly needed.
WANTED.
LOVED.
When these days come again, I am ready and willing for them.
As we all should be.
Needed. Wanted. Loved.
Until then.
I’m always around.
Excerpt-prose/essay from “Always Around”
[Nov 2011. Revised August 2022, Final Edit November 2023]
Silence, no matter its company good or bad, speaks great volumes. Its presence can mean violence, but so can the frantic nonstop expression of someone who is stuck in a void of misunderstanding and said violence. Either can mean a hurt soul. In the presence of the knowing company, silence is comfort, it is knowing. Words! Words in that company mean even more. When that anxious avoidance and attachment is broken across those boundaries of knowing, well…it’s an unstoppable force between the living. Something the dead of mind and nihilistic would know nothing about. Words, ahhhh…well how poetic it is that one can use words to describe how magical they can truly be. From the right people, the slightest recognition shows you they are listening, and you are seen. Like a sunrise on a dreary morning it can light your world.
Silence with those same people, or say even just one person, is a supportive company greater than much else in the whole God forsaken world. Silence, in good company, is Home. No matter where you are.
That knowing of shared values, education, experience, hurt, triumph, feelings, or even just liking the same silly things that make you smile- is so far undervalued it pains me some days to keep trying to find those who will recognize it. It’s not anything wild, it’s our instinct. Frightening, how far so many seem to be withdrawn from it, in favor of some fake version of progress or evolution that’s done nothing but drive everyone crazy, and distract them from what really matters in life. Safety and security in the darkest points of life is all any of us need-knowing we can trust even just one person with our vulnerability-if not many. I could always be wrong, but I think it’s truly the core of our humanity to love….or at least that’s true for some of us.
The silent understanding of a person without needing to explain, but instead discuss, learn from one another, grow together, and grow community from that- what else is there. When I find just this I may be able to let you know. Finding any company in which I would feel comfortable enough to just SHUT THE FUCK UP-and smile- in some sort of nodded understanding is so incredulously rare that I feel the need to share its rarity in words. It isn’t new to me, but something that seems to wane over time as people get comfortable, and decide they would rather live in that ignorant sense of uncaring, than recognize what was right next to them all along. I had almost forgotten what this sense of knowing truly felt like until I left the shores of the Stars and Stripes to seek some real humanity. I found that and now I’m grateful again to know it can ever exist.
Enjoy the Silence. (or Scream, depending on the circumstance.)
From “Always Around.”
Nov. 2017 [Edited Dec 2024]
They’re selling the American Dream all over the world- they always have. These days it’s in a neat cute little package. Personalized to every corner and crevasse of the world. Everest is a dumpster. Paris has always been a rat shit hole, ask my cousins about it. England and Paris may have started this mess. I say that a lot….I digress. ( I say that a lot too.)
The commercial sense of it has been definite since around 1850. The world changed and the first wave seemed successful but after then, for awhile, only men were “free,” so who really knows? But sell it they did, better than ever. After the War we were to go one of two fucked up and indiscriminately bigoted ways: The Circus Circus, or the falsehood of the American Dream. If you ask me the USA chose both their cake and ate everyone else’s too. The USA has sold Romanesque ideology to its students and continued to press that they have all ‘the Answers.’ I am simply here to state they are wrong.
Instead of whatever dream has been pushed, instead, the MLK Boulevards, Karl Marx Allee’s, Love is Love, and BLM roadways that were supposed to mean something mean absolutely: Dick. From Birmingham, to Miami, to New York, DC, the PNW, LA, Detroit and every other god forsaken place on Earth, ‘Uhhhmerica’ tried to press change has happened: It’s gotten worse there…maybe even worse where they haven’t. The Disease of sleepiness and lack of consciousness, has spread for years like an overcoming wave of nostalgic trance, that has steadily put the whole world to sleep. The Ruin the Western World has imposed is the same reason I almost failed Western Civilization 4000 in Uni. I couldn’t stop writing and answering to the FLAWS in the idealized plastic world that had been founded in nothing but greed and some manic search from man to find their greatness. I digress. (I told you…)
Tourism and Bullshit experiences encapsulate our world to keep us numb from what is really happening North, South, East and West in every single corner of all of the idolatries “Christendom.” It’s at every corner; there’s a Starbucks at every corner-therefore there are busters at every fucking corner. Real Estate is crashing everywhere yet again? Why? ….. by design. My only mission has been to try and STAY AWAKE. ( So here comes the poetic part…)
No more denial, and enough experience to know “That could happen to me too.” And it has. It all has. You get what you ask for. “Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride.” It’s all happened to all of us by now, and no single human should go on in silence of this bullshit dream. STAY AWAKE. GET CRAZY. STAND THE FUCK UP. No one will do it for us. Whatever you do, don’t…..DON’T GO BACK TO SLEEP. Take it from me. That sort of Sleep is more painful than death.
Don’t slip into the forceful abuse that man doesn’t even know they are imposing on their self. To deal judgement like poker cards-Face up like Texas Hold em- not understanding that every single individual at the table has their own hand to play.
And we play alone, more like Solitaire. So DON’T go BACK to SLEEP.
Don’t give into the Fear we’ve all been force fed since we were children. Don’t give into the nasty familial dysfunction we’ve been taught was normal. Or what others deem good enough, or fit enough, or ANY KIND of not enough. Whatever well adjusted means, I don’t want to adjust to it’s nonsense. That adjustment bullshit has been effectual in claiming the ideas and emotions of the populace and the pathological deep feeling human in me will not let it be a song unsung.
WAKE UP! Don’t let the cold of winter, or loneliness, or depression or the nauseation of anxiety ruin the day or your ability to keep chasing. Take your time. Find your nature and your way. Take that time, and STAY with US. Another day is coming. This too shall pass. All that good shit. No emotion is truly permanent, and when they are we must seek to find their resolution. So stay awake.
Don’t take me as prophetic, authoritative. I am nothing more, but empathetic from my own experience in the deep end….. of all life has offered me. The Sulphur of Survival is just that. We must Survive, in every way possible. Letting it all fade away to selfishness and nihilism without a give a damn is for the weak and scared. It is no life worth living.
Speak your fucking goddamned feelings, with rage and vigor- even from a place of love. Reaction is always something proportionate to outside stimulants in ever singed environment and ecosystem. Whether it controlled or a combustion of metaphysical action. You and your emotions are only just the one set. Your only map. Don’t be afraid when others try to add to it. Love with a full heart always, even through, and to and fro, of the pain will let you know what’s truly good in your path. To know love is always too- knowing yearning and heartbreak.
STAY ALIVE, stay free, and empower those around you to stay free. That empowers you to stay free within yourself no matter the circumstance. It’s about all of us, no matter the judgements and harshness that has saturated our daily conversation. As our individual freedom shines a light!!! Perhaps even to places we cannot see, or maybe even ever know. Whatever you do to survive out there-Remember- Don’t slip back into the dream.
Always Around 🦇